Let’s talk about how great agriculture is for a
second. It’s really great. You can put a seed in dirt and with minimal effort
food will come out. You can get the best seeds from the harvest and propagate
them so that you’re next harvest can be bigger and then just keep doing that
until your species conquers every known region of the planet and develops
religion, poetry, skyscrapers, and porn. You can clone a plant just by cutting
off a section of it and putting it in dirt, making infinite plants because plants
are basically immortal. You can plant a tree tomorrow that will feed your
great-great-great grandchildren. You can use plants to make other plants
better. You can make food grow on food. You can make your food make the soil
better so that you can make even more food. You can use the parts of the plants
that aren’t food to make more food for your food. You can give your plants to
animals to make a whole new type of food.
Speaking of animal husbandry, you can get on the
back of one animal and hunt down other animals on top of it. You can train an
animal to protect and herd your other animals. You can feed animals plants and
use the animals waste to feed the plants that feed the animal. Strap a plow on
the back of an animal and it tills the farm for you while fertilizing it.
There’s a bird that does nothing but make eggs. You can raise birds from those
eggs to make more eggs. It’s unlimited protein. You can use pig waste to make
the gas you use to cook a pig. When animals get pregnant, you can milk them.
Agriculture is dirt cheap, we’ve been doing it for
millennia, and we’re really good at it. All of human history has been propelled
by agriculture. Civilization was built with blades of wheat on the back of a
chicken. Danish Vikings wanted a place where their seeds wouldn’t freeze in the
ground. Portugal and Spain needed to find a better way to get to Asian spices and
accidentally found half the world. The British and the Chinese fought entire
wars over a flower that made you feel good. Agriculture is the greatest human
asset and will continue to shape the fate of our species to come. The only
problem is that nobody wants to do it anymore.
Before coming here my knowledge of agriculture was
limited to say the least. Growing up in a suburban environment, the only thing
I ever planted was the little tree we got at school on Earth Day. Now my
knowledge of agriculture has hit exponential growth. There’s no going back, I’m
addicted to how easy and useful this stuff is. So much of my life is now
centered on agriculture it would be hard not to appreciate it. I love the way a
group of women can tear up a plot of land in an instant and make it a garden. I
notice how green corn looks after it rains. I think about how lucrative pepper
is right now.
The reason I had never appreciated agriculture is
because I’ve never lived in an agricultural environment. That sounds like a
stupid thing to say growing up in Ohio where I could walk to my nearest farm,
but I think it’s true. In the States, most agriculture is all or nothing. There
are a lot of righteous examples of everyday people participating in
agricultural activities on the side, but they are few. Most farms are large
scale contract farms, plantations, and ranches (or the less nice “cattle
facilities”) designed to produce as much food as possible while using minimal
labor. There isn’t a lot of room for the old school farmers. With around one
percent of the US population involved in agriculture, the vast majority of us
don’t participate unless we choose to do so for novelty. I think we should
choose to do that more.
I could get into the practical reasons for having a
home garden or keeping some animals. Mainly it’s healthier, cuts down on
transportation, and you’re sticking it to the man. But the most important
reason is that it’s fun and feels great. It feels like you’re tapping into your
human potential, mastering the landscape by coaxing the earth into making food
for you. You keep some chicken friends and give them nice, happy, fat lives before
nature takes its course. You eat that meal with pride knowing that you stand at
the pinnacle of the known universe as a self-reliant being with control over
its surroundings. Man, agriculture is great.
I’ve seen people here take a plot of land no bigger
than the average US lawn and make it their sole source of income for the year.
Fruits, vegetables, meat, fish, eggs, honey, and milk can all be produced in a
space the size of a suburban plot of land and for a cost that’s insignificant
to the average American salary. Nobody goes in for these things though and I
find it really strange. I appreciate a nice green lawn as much as the next guy.
And if I get off an eight hour shift I don’t want to go feed pigs. But I also
think a suburban neighborhood fitted with full scale gardens would look nicer
than lawns. And I submit that it’s easier to take care of pigs than it is dogs,
but not many Americans have a problem doing that.
Here in Cameroon, with eighty percent of the
population involved in agriculture, nearly every village has a Ministry of
Agriculture representative. This is a guy that any farmer can go to, for free,
and solicit advice. He or she is obliged to go to that farmer’s land for consultation,
inform them of government support programs, and help mitigate any factors that
might lead to a bad harvest. The Ministry of Livestock has a post in almost
every village as well, offering free and low cost veterinary services to
farmers as well as purveying veterinary drugs and donating them when they can.
Of course it’s customary to tip these guys, but these resources are tax-payer
funded and can be pretty indispensable to families whose livelihoods are
dependent on good yields.
How cool would a service like that be in the States?
I know we have extension agents but not on the level that the Cameroonian
government has. Our government puts a sad amount of emphasis on agriculture. I
bet you can’t even name the Secretary of Agriculture, you filthy commie. I
think the Minister of Agriculture of Cameroon is in the same political weight
class as the Secretaries of State or Defense are to America. It would be great
if the Department of Agriculture got an influx of funding to promote home
gardening. Ideally we’d have some guy walk around with the mailman inspecting
all these front lawn gardens saying “Blight’s coming around, Marge. I’ll bring
some fungicide by tomorrow if you want.”
That won’t happen anytime soon but there’s no reason
why we shouldn’t have something like it. I’m a realist. I’ve gotten used to my
Cameroonian neighbor’s pigs but if I had my own I don’t think my American
neighbors would appreciate it. However there should be no reason why I can’t
tear up my lawn to start planting corn and quinoa, and I shouldn’t be worried
about how it looks or ruining the neighborhood aesthetic. Roosters are noisy
but hens are quiet, easy to take care of, and delicious. Greenhouses are pretty
easy to construct. There’s a lot of things people in suburban environments can
do that aren’t going to disturb their own lives or their neighbors, so why not?
You’ll feel really good about yourself.
Gardens improve United State food security and help
to liberate you from a dependence on a globalized society. They increase our
commercial agricultural surplus to be exported to other countries and reduce
the food burdens of cities. Some gardening programs give new skill sets to ex-offenders
and others offer chances for inner city families to help improve food security
for their neighborhoods. The reintroduction of native crops can be beneficial
to local ecology. You can just grow stuff for fun and donate it to a homeless
shelter. Either way, you’re just the greatest and America will thank you. Growing food is like fighting terrorism and
nursing a bald eagle. Just like Cuba did after the embargo, and Britain did
during the war, by home gardening you’re showing the world that America is a
strong independent woman who don’t need no food imports.
I never would have been this jazzed about
agriculture had I not come to Cameroon, which shows that the whole development
thing is a two way street. There are lessons America can learn from Cameroon
and this is one of them. So come now America, help fulfill Thomas Jefferson’s
dream of a shining republic helmed by strong and rational farmers participating
in a vibrant agrarian economy. I know
the next lawn I own shall not be a lawn for long.
Bonus Annoying American Agricultural Thing (BAAAT):
If you live in a desert, don’t have a lawn. We should all be cool with using
what water sources you guys have to grow food but if it’s just to have a nice green
lawn then what the hell are you thinking? Then you use gasoline refined from
shit we took out of the ground to cut the damn thing down every week like some
sick god creating a creature where it shouldn’t exist and then tormenting it
ritually. You can drain the Colorado River if you want to grow onions or
something but not so your dog has a toilet. Besides, sandscapes are awesome and
it really brings out your neighborhood's regional southwest flavor.
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